Kisses and Lies

I've told you about the physical abuse the beatings, well some of them I have yet to tell you bout the last one. What I havent really told you about is the mental abuse. I have to say this is what I am most ashamed of, what I personally find the most embarassing of all.

I always believed myself to be strong and independant and able to think for myself. Even now sat here thinking about it, Im not entirely sure when the mental side of the abuse began or more importantly when I actually started to buy into it.

Right from the outset of our relationship Tony was attentive. There was always a text, maybe just consisting of a few kisses. A phone call to ask how I was how was my day. When he considered that my exhusband was doing me wrong he fought my corner. I have to confess that having been single for a while it was quite nice to think that someone cared, that said I wasnt in love. Quite the opposite. My barriers were up I wasnt going to be hurt again.

My friend Andy who Ive mentioned had met Tony briefly on a couple of occasions, he didnt like him. Which was definately out of character. This concerned me, but clearly not enough.

The touching texts and calls continued, but the nature of them changed. They became questioning. Tony would interview me daily, re structuring his questions to try and draw a different version of my days events. This ultimately led to me doubting myself, I became unsure of my own movements and conversations. He hated me speaking to certain people particularly Andy. So I changed contact names in my phone and deleted texts and call logs. My phone NEVER left my pocket and I would hide it over night. Terrified that Tony would check it while I was asleep.

I slowly withdrew from friends and even family. I barely left the house unless it was to do something that we had discussed and I had for all intense and purpose his permission. It became a very lonely isolated existance.

Tony did nothing to help around the house or with his children, it was womens work he'd say always with a smile, just joking. Yet if someone did visit us, which wasnt often as noone wanted to cause problems for me, he would the perfect genial host. Which did nothing more than make me look like a liar. The one maybe two people who I had left and could confide in began looking at me in a strange manner, clearly questioning the legitimacy of the claims I had been making.

Slowly but surely he had me, and I had him and him alone. I had quickly learnt that to speak up to try and run would be far worse than simply staying.